Emptiness; a feeling, which precisely is not feeling sad or feeling lonely. It is a feeling with numbness, clouded thoughts and enduring flashbacks.
That is what I am feeling right now I guess, I am letting the seconds tick by as I let myself sink within this emptiness. Whenever I feel like this, I just let it blend within the time, I shut down whatever my background screams, and let the emptiness takeover my soul along with my over thinking mind.
Usually these are the times, my brain would start thinking about my past life, and let those haunting moments come back. I have a habit of over thinking and when this emptiness washes over me, I tend to over think all the possible ways to escape these empty feeling and sometimes I would fail overcoming and as I’ve mentioned, I let it takeover my soul.
This, empty feeling is something I face very frequently, and whenever this happens, I just blackout the reality. It would even get super hard when I am at college, because I transform from a very cheerful person to a loner. People have tried asking me whether everything was okay, but I would shrug them off with my oh-so-classic reply, “It is just headache.”, and sometimes, some won’t even approach to me whenever I am at this stage, because they say, I have a personality of sending off bad vibes (well it is true, I do have that personality) and some let me be just like that. I am not blaming my family, friends or anyone here, the problem is my own self. I have very supportive family and best friends, but I don’t have a solid reason as to why I feel empty often times.
I don’t know where it all started, I can’t pinpoint and say that it started from the moment I realized my life was falling apart ages ago or it started the very first time I bottled up my real feelings. I have gone through some stuff in my past, and it still haunts me every time my soul feels empty, it still wakes me up at 2 a.m., causes tears when I fall asleep and I know, those are not very tragic stories compared to a lot more people in the outside world who are suffering the things in life which they shouldn’t be suffering. And I just wish, if someone could ever possibly see through those people and try a bit harder and be there for them. Pull them out before they fall hard and break.
I, myself wish someone could see the real me, see through all my over-coated feelings and hear my messed up thoughts. I wish sometimes, maybe I could escape from this empty feeling which exhausts all the nerves inside me. I wish I could wake up and shrug off my clustered thoughts and move on with a very normal life without stumbling on my haunting nightmares. I just wish you know…
I am keep on wishing and wishing, that someday I would be my own warrior and save myself, that someday I won’t be a coward and I would be able to fight back. Someday, I hope I won’t feel the emptiness.
[Sorry, it is getting too raw and deep I guess. Well, that is how I feel while I am pouring these words out. Before I get lost in this writing world and spill out everything, let me end it here.
Oh wait, thanks a ton by the way, if you have read it this far. It means a lot and sorry for this long post.]